Jill Caratini - A Slice of Infinity

The Gifts of Magi

I was sold on the genre of tragedy as a child at Christmastime, long before I knew anything about genres or tragedies. Jim Dillingham Young and his wife Della are the subjects of The Gift of the Magi, a short story written by O. Henry in 1906. Struggling to make ends meet in their one room apartment, Jim and Della have but two prized possessions between them: for Jim, a pocket watch given to him by his father, and for Della, her long, beautiful hair, of which even the queen of Sheba would be envious. When Christmas comes, Jim and Della have nothing to scrape together to buy even a simple gift for the other. Yet, longing to give something meaningful out of great love, each, unbeknownst to the other, sacrifices the greatest treasure of the house; Della sells her hair to buy her husband a silver chain for his beloved pocket watch, and Jim his pocket watch to buy Della pearl combs for her beautiful hair. Thus unfolds The Gift of the Magi and “the uneventful chronicle of two foolish children in a flat who most unwisely sacrificed for each other the greatest treasures of their house. But in a last word to the wise of these days,” writes O. Henry, “let it be said that of all who give gifts these two were the wisest.”(1)

Some short stories tell giant lessons. For me, this was one of them. In the mind of a child, Jim and Della acted out the ultimate display of love. For the sake of the other, they released willingly from their hands the very thing they wanted to hold onto the tightest. Could I do that? I wondered. And even as I asked, I saw clearly that there were two questions in the one uttered. Could I give up the thing I want most to hold onto? But also, and maybe even more plaguing, Could I love someone like that? We learn the art of self-protection at such a young age. Sacrificial love, sacrificial giving of oneself, even when it takes a tragic or ironic turn, knocks at every wall of self-preservation with an invitation; it is terrifying but also pregnant with possibility, an invitation to the destruction of walls, but also to homecoming and new rooms.

The sacrificial birth of Christ into the world among us brings about some of the loudest knocking ever known to human hears. The gift of a Son into hands that would harm him presents a most sacrificial gift and a striking invitation to sacrifice everything to have it. C.S. Lewis writes, “The Christian way is different: harder and easier. Christ says, ‘Give me all. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want you--No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent, as well as the ones you think wicked--the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’”(2)

To each of us, Christ comes as he came to Mary herself, wanting to stretch us physically, emotionally, and socially, taking away everything, even all we might have thought good or godly of ourselves: our good names, our good futures, our innocence. Mary certainly had reasons to say “No” to the invitation that came to her on angel’s wings. She was facing an assuring future: a husband to wed, a home to create, a good reputation. Saying “Yes” to God and the words of Gabriel was to put all of this on the line, everything she had and might have once clung to. Could you do the equivalent? Could you release security, love, reputation, or even your youth from your own determined grasp? Mary’s risk was no less difficult than the most sacrificial act you could imagine of your own life. Saying “Yes” to the Christ child and to the knocking of his love will surely bring down the houses we have built, even the rooms that house the things we hold onto most fiercely.

Yet this is precisely the invitation before us: “For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6). He comes with the annunciation of great sacrifice and pregnant impossibilities, and he assures us not to be afraid. Where meek and foolish souls give everything to receive him, they still find themselves the wisest.

More Thoughts on Growth

"There are some things which can only be grown - they cannot be made."
--Earl Creps

Early Morning Thoughts

A man may study because his brain is hungry for knowledge, even Bible knowledge. But he prays because his soul is hungry for God.
--Leonard Ravenhill


Zechariah 4 - "Who despises the day of small things?"


The foolish man says he has no need of God - but it will be scarier still for the one who says he has need of Him, but lives like he doesn't.



The greatest need we have is not to do things, but to believe things.
-Oswald Chambers


Why aren't they hungry? Because they don't have to be - they are entertained.



"Entertainment is the devil's substitute for God's joy."
--Leonard Ravenhill


Leonard Ravenhill said "we don't have revival because we are content without it." But what is revival? What does it really look like? I remember during all the amazing stuff that happened that one semester at Sam, Daniel Savala kept saying, "If it's really revival, your grades will go up." I thought that was weird.


Growth is not more knowledge or increase of years: it is simply more of Him and less of me. He increases as I decrease. This is what it means to be a disciple.
--Chip Brogden (from watchman.net)


Psalm 103: "He made known His ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel."
* I know much of His deeds - the Bible stories from Sunday school, history lessons about the church... but I know little to nothing of His heart, or of why He has done the things He has done.



"One hundred religious persons knit into a unity by careful organization do no constitute a church any more than eleven dead men make a football team. The first requisite is life, always."
--AW Tozer


Psalm 127: "Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain."

"What I have seen in the past 10 years of traveling- performing at a church one day and a casino the next- is that a lot of people in the church want to be entertained, and people in casinos want to be ministered to. That's hard to understand, but I see a hunger in the world that I don't see in the church."

Faith

I think faith is important. But faith in what? Faith that I will be healed? Faith that I will get a new car? And faith for what? So I will have more money, popularity, comfort, or possessions? So I will feel secure? I think the bottom line is this:

The fact of faith is important - but so is the object of faith and the motivation for our faith.

Conglomeration of Thoughts

Hunger / Thirst

Ezekiel had a vision once of water flowing from under the temple - the further he walked out from the temple, the deeper the water became - to the point it was a raging river that no man could cross. In the story he tells of this vision there is a phrase repeated twice that has stuck in my heart the last few days: There is water."

There is water... but am I thirsty?

Years later, John records Jesus words: "IF any man is thirsty, let him come to me and drink, and rivers of living water will flow from his belly."




Songs: John Mark McMillan "How He Loves"

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.




Original Songs

I wrote this down during a staff meeting last school year sometime and just found it again today:

When you go on and on and on
This life don't seem so long
This pain don't seem so strong
When you go on and on and on

Still Standing

Walking, stumbling
on these shadow feet
toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing
Less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when I began...


When the world is falling out from under me
I'll be found in You still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in You

Brooke Fraser, Shadowfeet

He Waits...

Like a lover longing to be with his love
He waits to be wanted

The sweet secrets shared in moment of hush
He waits to be wanted

All beauty and loveliness hid from the light
He waits to be wanted

For the day when the seeker tears through the night
He waits to be wanted

I want you, Lord
(x4)


He waits
He waits
He waits to be wanted
(3x)
by You

My Conversation Last Night

In the car on the way home from Ihop...

Kristen: Those guys desperately needed Jesus.
Me: As if there is another way to need Him.
Michael: Right, like, yeah, I could kinda need Him?


Wow, I think they're really onto something there.

Thanksgiving with the Normans

Growth?

QUESTIONS:

How do you tell if something is growing? (By what is growth measured?)
How is growth stimulated?

Should Be...

I have realized the source of the majority of my frustrations in life, and I admit they are many. I think in terms of what should be, not what is, and those two things very rarely line up in my thoughts, actions, attitudes, relationships, decisions, etc.

Great revelation, right? But what to do about it...


Edit: I decided to come back and tag this post into the growing (pun totally intended!) list of thoughts on the subject of Growth because, even thought I certainly didn't intend it to be when I originally wrote this down, it seems to me now this is at least part of growth. Maybe. Just in case.

Guilty

There have been alot of things in my life in the last year (and what a year it has been) that have forced me to wrestle with the concepts of guilt, innocence, and forgiveness. Difficult concepts when they're applied to ourselves or people we love, and I have had them applied directly in very personal ways.

I wonder how much money our country spends annually on defense attorneys. And I wonder what percentage of those clients were actually guilty? It must be piles of money, all spent to try to convince judges and juries that the guilty aren't really guilty.

THE GUILTY ARE REALLY INNOCENT.

I confess that is the state of my heart most days. I am guilty. But I want to convince myself, my family, my friends, the world, and (if possible) God that I AM INNOCENT. "It wasn't my fault - there were circumstances beyond my control - I made a mistake." I can run so hard and so fast from confession. It can be so hard to accept my own guilt. I avoid it at all costs to myself and those I care most about. I would sacrifice the happiness and emotions of my loved ones to maintain my innocence. I would never claim that as truth, but when I look back over my life I see it as a principle in my actions. Wow... what a statement.

And then there are those moments... probably some of the most sacred moments of our lives (in one sense of that word). It's in these moments we may be closest to God (and farthest from Him). The moments most pregnant with eternal possibility and significance. They are the moments I realize I am totally, completely evil (Romans 3:9-18)...

because the bottom line is this: If there is no guilt, there can be no forgiveness.


Oh, Lord, I so desperately need your forgiveness - help me not to hide from my own guilt. Help me not to white wash my life, make it look beautiful on the outside, while on the inside are dead men's bones (Matthew 23). I want to be beautiful and if the path to Your beauty takes me through guilt and brokenness, then let me open wide my arms to embrace all You say about me. I agree with You - Your judgments are always true, and Your paths always lead to peace. Give your church across this world a renewed understanding of confession, guilt, forgiveness. If we hide too long from our own guilt, you may just leave us to hide. What a scary thought!

Confession: 1) to say the same thing as another, i.e. to agree with, assent (i.e. 1 John 1:9)

SFA Shots

Let There Be Light

We get newsletters from lots of fellow missionaries, including Matt and Jenn DeGier in New Orleans, LA. I read over their e-newsletter today and was absolutely caught by one sentence.

"And I cry to the campus: Let there be light!"

Daddy's Little Helper

Sitting in the loft of the XA House, all the windows open on a beautifully sunny day, it just felt like a great time to spend with the Lord. I turned on some worship music and began journalling my prayers - a new thing I'm trying. I was thinking of some of the things He has done with the students at SFA this year and was filled with awe and gratitude at how beautifully He works. I look at a situation and see the difficulties, the problems, the possible negative outcomes. That's just me, I guess. And because of that, I tend to struggle with trusting Him. But this semester I have really seen Him do things - all kinds of things, in me, through me, and just all on His own. When I see difficulties, He is working solutions; when I see obstacles, He is making a way in people's hearts. He knows just what to say and when to say it - He knows how people will respond to different things and how to use those responses to work out the best for them (which is always to be drawn closer to Him). Simply put, the work of the Lord is just beautiful.

The longer I sat and thought about how beautifully He does things, the more I wanted to be part of the beauty, to be part of the work He is doing. Then I got to thinking about my Dad. When I was young, before He died, I was a total tom-boy Daddy's girl. Wherever he went, I wasn't far behind, and whatever he did, I wanted to do with him! My Dad was really good with his hands, like his own father, known as Granddaddy to me. They both loved woodwork and were both very good at. My Dad had an endless list of projects for the house, for himself, for my mom, for my mom's friends, for me... and whenever he went out to work in his shop, I would beg to come along and help. Of course, I was only 6 at the time and there were many dangers for me in a shop with power tools. But he knew that I loved him and wanted to be with him, and I think he wanted to be with me just as much, so he would always let me come along. He would sit me down on the edge of his work bench and tell me all about the project for that weekend. He would tell me step by step, in six-year-old-terms, how we would do it. Then I would ask the big question: "How can I help?" Despite the dangers, despite my total lack of knowledge and skill, Daddy would always find something for me to do... always. He would watch over me while I "helped" with HIS project; he kept me safe, made sure I didn't hurt myself or the work, and in the end I was always so proud. Momma would come out to check on us and I would show off all "my" work. I can look back now that I'm older and I absolutely know that I didn't do anything - the work was HIS. But I did get to have a part in it because he was willing to give me a part even though I was young and totally inexperienced. I got to be part of the beautiful things my Daddy made just because he loved me. I wouldn't trade those times for anything now.

I think I make things with the Lord too complicated sometimes. He's my Father - I love Him and want to be with Him. He loves me and wants to be with me, too. He makes beautiful things, and if I ask Him, He will always find someway for me to help. In the end, the work will all be HIS, but I will be able to say I had a part in the beautiful thing He made. How amazing.

"We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words — to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it. " (C.S. Lewis, talking of heaven)

Happy 2nd Birthday, Ali!

We got to go home to celebrate the 2nd birthday of Derrick's niece, Ali. She is quite the miracle, born 8 weeks premature in an emergency C-Section. Now she is absolutely beautiful - as you can see!

Happy Fourth of July!

Italy & Greece

We just returned from the trip of a lifetime - we spent 2 weeks backpacking around Italy and Greece!!! We had an amazing time and I got to take some of the greatest pictures!

		***I clearly didn't actually take this photo, but figured I would share. :)***

Random Images

From a photo shoot I did for a design customer (this was a random shot not for the design project):


From a weekend camping trip with the Bells:

From the last Chi Alpha Coffee House of the 2007-2008 school year:

Stephen F. Austin Campus

Weekend with Derrick's family

New Orleans Missions Trip

Missions Trip Training